I was eighteen the first time I ate dinner alone; at a table set for two. I had specifically requested the last table by the windows so I had the opportunity to people watch. Perhaps if I was looking elsewhere I would hopefully be oblivious to the pitiful stares and questioning glances. Even without looking at their faces, I could hear their thoughts. On a Friday night? Eating Alone? How sad. And it was. When I finally became brave enough to look around the room, I saw happiness. There were old friends, catching up on gossip; business partners, debating over a laptop and couples. Smiling. Giggling. Whispering. I had enough. I was back to looking outside. And even then I couldn’t catch a break.
One month had past and I knew I was losing sense of who I was. The drunken nights, trying to find some comfort that could replace what you gave me—pure happiness. It was impossible. Soon I realized that those drunken nights only accompanied bad decisions. If I felt like I had no control over my life when I was sober how could I feel like I had any sense of control when I was drunk? So I stopped. Drinking.
I couldn’t even recognize myself in the mirror anymore. Three new piercings within a two week period wasn’t normal. The high it gave me, the two minutes where my thoughts were solely focused on the pain—and not on you—were only followed by a crash. I wanted to show everybody but when I faced reality I realized I just wanted to share my excitement with you. And I couldn’t. There were no replacements.
I became numb to all pain, I had forced myself to forget that I lost the one thing that meant the most to me. The pain was too much so I forced myself to feel nothing at all. It didn’t scare me. It just made things easier. I couldn’t believe that everything we’ve ever been through could just end in an instant. I had been living my fairytale with you and for the first time I took chances that I had always been afraid to make. I saw something so pure and innocent in us. The way your face lite up whenever the door between us opened—whenever you just looked at me. What I felt, what I experienced was something I never had before. I never had as much fun with anyone else then I did with you. You made me better. You taught me how to trust. I know you better than anyone else. You know me better than anyone else. My secrets, my fears, my hopes, everything.
It’s easier for me to think we had nothing. That it never meant anything. That love between us never existed. Because then I had nothing to lose, when you left I wasn’t losing anything. If we had something, if loving you ever meant anything, then losing you meant I was losing the one person that ever made me cross the boundaries I set for myself, the one person that taught me to trust, to love. My life with you was the fairytale I thought I would never have. That’s why I ask, why couldn’t we have our happy ending? It’s all I ever wanted. To be with you.
